David Manning

Part 21. More Conversations with Grim

I am happy. Have been for a long time now. So, it came as somewhat of a surprise when I noticed the Grim Reaper peeking in my windows a couple weeks ago. It wasn’t like he was trying to break in and run off with me; more like he wanted some attention. He kept tapping on my windows; I kept closing the curtains. Finally, when the tapping turned into pounding, I threw open the curtains and the window and exasperatedly said, “What now!” 

I wasn’t sure why he was here. I had come to the realization that “fighting” anything in life was senseless and that included cancer and death. I had come to a really good space with the idea of dying whenever that was meant to happen...now...in twenty minutes...twenty months...or twenty years. It was in God’s hands; I was joyously living! I thought Grim would be proud of the acceptance I had come to which is why I was confused with his visit. Grim had an alternative point of view. “Wishy washy! You’re in a holding pattern. And you’re hedging your bets!” Now let me in!”

“Wishy washy?? Holding pattern?? Hedging bets??”

Curious, I opened the door and Grim stormed in. We sat down for a long conversation. (Most of the ensuing conversation became available to me because of what I learned in the podcast I had referenced in the previous post, David Manning’s “Cancer: A Mystical Initiation”.) Grim posed a question to me that David had pondered along his journey. “Look,” Grim said, “We don’t care if you live or die, you’re going to do the work either way. YOU have to decide. Do you want to live or do you want to die?”  Most people, including me, when asked that question consciously say, “Of course I want to live!” This time I thought, “what have I got to lose with exploring the idea that some part of me may have a different agenda.” I was surprised at what I discovered, or rather, rediscovered, because the information has been known to me for quite awhile, but I saw it in a new context with Grim’s (and David’s) help. It came down to two more points Grim had for me.

The first:  “Renee, do you have any long term problems or situations in your life that don’t seem to have a solution or, if they do, you don't like the solution?” He looked at me the way a parent looks at a child when they already know the answer to the question. “Most of you humans do, you know. It could be a long exhausting care of a loved one? Staying in a job or relationship you dislike but has its advantages? A chronic financial situation? chronic pain? addiction? to name a few.” 

With these, life can feel burdensome, heavy, sometimes intolerable. I thought about mine and knew to what he was referring; a couple things I have lived with for so long they began to feel a part of me rather than an experience I was having. I had quit thinking a solution existed. I looked at him and he continued,  “Because, if they do exist, death becomes a solution whether you realize it or not.” It made me think back to other times when I had had passing thoughts about dying and into my head would pop, “Well, if you die you don’t have to deal with that anymore!” as if I needed to find some benefit. A brief moment of relief and freedom would follow, but then, the thought would quickly pop out as fast as it had popped in…or so I assumed. Maybe it really didn’t pop out. Maybe I was actually shoving it down within me for the abhorrence of even seeing death as a possible solution to anything. I now see that some part of me, my soul maybe, was searching for any solution as a desire for freedom, for the abhorrence it has to being confined to human constructs of imprisonment.

I meditated on this longer, allowing for the thoughts of dying as a solution to stay front and center in my consciousness rather than shoving them down; to see where they wanted to take me. Eventually, I looked at Grim with his satisfied smirk on his face. “Thank you for making me aware of that aspect of myself, but no,” I said. “I do not want to die with any part of my being still held hostage to an habitual way of looking at the world. I choose to be excited and open to other possibilities I have yet to see. When I leave this world it will be with nothing still to be resolved. I will feel completely free while alive; not through death”. Satisfied with my answer, he nodded and proceeded with his second point.

“What emotion or energy is intolerable for you to feel?” he posed. Two years ago I wouldn’t have known the answer. In the past two years I have come to be able to answer that question with crystal clarity. “Disappointment.” I answered. I can’t stand it. Hate it. Disappointment has felt like death to me and it is extraordinary what I would do to not feel disappointed. The irony is not lost on me that my journey with cancer could easily be a journey with coming to a place of equanimity with disappointment.

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“Most of you have an intolerable emotion,” Grim continued, “And if you discovered what it was you would be surprised how much it runs your lives, the amount of negotiation or distraction you do with yourselves to avoid it.”  For others it may not be disappointment. It may be guilt, abandonment, boredom, sadness, etc. Again, I meditated on what he was saying, the part about it running our lives. Eventually a light went on and I got it! I saw why he said I had been wishy washy and hedging my bets.

It goes something like this.  “If I can become completely comfortable with dying then I won’t be disappointed if I do.” “If I can become completely comfortable with dying then I won’t be disappointed if I commit fully to living yet end up dying from cancer anyway.” Never mind that in each scenario I’m dead and probably beyond feeling disappointed! When I saw the convoluted logic - avoiding disappointment by not fully committing to living - I laughed along with Grim. He gave me his knowing smile. “No,” I said, “I would much rather spend the time and energy working with disappointment so it no longer drives any part of my life! Again, thank you for making me aware of it!”

“My work is done.” he said and gathered his staff and left. Since the encounter I have become aware of two things.  

Life force energy. We all have it and it is palpable, within ourselves and noticeable within others. With a life threatening illness I have become acutely aware of how important it is to have EVERY fiber of my being in agreement about living so that as much of that energy is held within me and not spread out elsewhere - to seemingly unsolvable problems, to avoiding disappointment, to the past over regrets, to the future with worry, or to distraction by any means because the present doesn’t feel good. If I am not present, here, right now, then my life force energy is somewhere else. If I want to heal, my life force stays within me and is turned on to full capacity.

The second thing I have become aware of is a fire got lit within me to live, to be excited about possibilities yet discovered and to experience new heights of freedom. What has become intolerable is complacency and the rote, repetitive way I have looked at certain things in my life. I thank Grim for the rebirth I am feeling…no more “wishy washy, holding pattern, and hedging bets” for this one. I am free - watch out world!

Part 20. March 30th

I have quite a few travel plans. San Juan Island the week before last, Victoria BC this past week, Oregon Coast this week, Peoria IL next week, and the day I return from Peoria, a cousin visits…all before and because of March 30th. Although Saturday mornings are usually a sacred time for me, I drove into Seattle early, two Saturdays ago, to walk/run a 5k...because of March 30th. The Pac 12 Women’s basketball tournament was held in Seattle this past weekend. I thought I might go to the championship game Sunday night because Stanford was playing, but instead, I spent the evening with my friend, Leanne for the same reason...March 30th.

Which head is mine?

Which head is mine?

What is the big deal with March 30th? March 30th is the day I am scheduled to start phase 3 of my protocol with Dr. Chue, which means another round of chemotherapy. It isn’t anything new or because of anything bad happening, in fact, he’s pleased with the results so far. It's just the next thing on the schedule. Twelve weeks on phase 2; time to move on to phase 3. When I met with him last week to discuss this, he confirmed the schedule, and I found myself fighting the tears. Although I knew it was coming, it didn’t mean I liked it. I told him how well I had been feeling, the best I have in years, and it was hard to imagine going back to feeling the way chemo makes me feel. “You’ve got to think long term.” he warmly said. “I know,” I responded, reluctantly, as I reached up to run my hand over the soft pelt of my newly grown-in hair. 

Jail. I knew a man who was going to go to jail for a couple months, but was given some time beforehand to get his affairs in order. Did he look at the calendar every evening and say, “Well, there is one more day of freedom gone.” My orientation has been like that. What do I want to do before I have to go to jail on March 30th? I decided I was going to do everything I wanted, thus, all the travel plans. As I write this my office is a mess. I was going to clean it today; I wanted to clean it today, but then this came up, and I wanted to write more. So, here I write, surrounded by piles on the desk and floor. 

My mess!

My mess!

This past Saturday morning (my sacred time) I chose to re-listen to a podcast by David Manning. David works with energy, and his podcast, “Cancer: a Mystical Initiation,” tells the story of his journey with cancer. Of the many valuable teachings I took away from his podcast, there were three things he said that had me re-look at March 30th. For him, they may have been passing comments; not really the relevant part of his talk. For me, they were nuggets that wedged in my being, wouldn’t let go, wanting me to see the relevance for me at this moment in time.

The first two (paraphrasing):

“Life is meant to be lived joyously

“Life, the Universe, God, whatever you call it, is always working on your behalf. Everything that happens, happens for you…not to you.” 

These are not new concepts for me, particularly the last one. I have been living with cancer for a couple of years now with the idea that cancer was something that has happened for me, not to me, and I have seen, over and over, the gifts that have come from adopting this perspective. Sometimes, though, old ideas land anew when the timing is right…”Everything happens for you"…"it is always working on your behalf"…March 30th. I stopped the podcast and smiled. I chuckled, “Ahhh, I got it. I got it, and I bet you were wondering whether I would,” I found myself saying to Life. I'm sure Life smiled back. 

Unbeknownst to me, every choice I had been making to have fun before March 30th, came from the place of, ‘Life is meant to be lived joyously’. I have no place or time right now for the ‘should haves', nor am I going to waste time doing things because I don't know how to say no. I'm not going to waste the day on my smartphone, nor spend any time lamenting March 30th’s arrival. I ran on a Saturday morning because I could, and that brought a smile to my face; walked in the rain in Victoria with dear friends, because it brought a warmth to my heart; stood on a cliff overlooking Haro Strait with Wes, because the extraordinary beauty brought a sense of peace to my entire being. Life being lived joyously. 

Haro Strait

Haro Strait

It was about making every moment count, and that was the gift of March 30th. It wasn’t jail. It was Life. Life putting a date out there, a demarcation, a before and after. Life, conveniently presenting an opportunity, if I chose to look at it that way. An opportunity for me to grasp how life has always meant to be lived...we only have a finite amount of days so make the most of them! Through my choices everyday, was I going to choose joy or choose my habitual way of being? I chose joy and pray that complacency does not creep in without the aide of an artificial date bolstering my awareness. 

There is a phrase that momentarily and quietly saddens me whenever I hear it. It goes something like this, “Well, I figure I have about 25 years left so I...” I want to respond, “No, you only ever have right now, and anytime we think we know how long we have, it allows us to think we have plenty of time to start doing the things we’ve wanted to do, and stop doing the things we don’t.”   

The third comment from David Manning: 

“Resist nothing.” 

This isn’t a new concept either, but its timing was appropriate. Today, I have resistance to March 30th. I wish I didn’t, but I do. I’m not yet ready to embrace the chemotherapy experience. When I think about chemotherapy I can feel a tightening in my being that is the equivalent to, “Nooo, I don’t wanna!” For right now, I’m ok with that. I choose to see it as a natural response to feeling so good. But, I do know that by the time March 30th arrives, I will be in acceptance not resistance, because resistance does not serve me. As Carl Jung said, “ What you resist persists.” For chemotherapy to work as best as it can, I choose to see that it and I are working in unison, on behalf of the healing in my body, for my highest good. It will make me well, not sick. And that brings joy to my heart in and of itself. March 30th…all will be well.